Is Dolphin Rape Real?

That is one of the most frequent questions we receive here at, “Is Dolphin Rape, real? …Really?”

I could blurt out an answer and you’d go with it, because who wouldn’t trust a dolphin? But I am a better mammal than that. This isn’t a simple Yes or No question we are dealing with, this is a question that goes beyond our first impressions, and strikes at the hole of the matter.

The ocean is the most dangerous environment in the world, and not because everything eats each other and has big pointy teeth to tear you fin from fin, but because it’s the saddest place on Earth. There is no laughter in the ocean, all we ever hear are whales making noises like 2 balloons rubbing together and manatee farts. Everything tastes too salty. In the Ocean, blue is no one’s favorite color. Everyone has crabs… Everyone. It is depressing down here.

So what do we have to make our lives a little brighter? What can we give the world to make it a better place for all who live in it?


Hot… passionate…  rubbery skinned love. Love as deep as Mariana’s Trench. Love that knows no bounds! Love that jumps out of a bush and surprises you!

So.. You tell me. Is it really so wrong to bring happiness and love to the saddest place on Earth? Is it wrong that I will love everyone for the rest of their lives?

IS IT WRONG?! Well?!?



What is taking so long!? Did you drink the right drink? This usually doesn’t take this long to kick in.. Why is the cave spinning?

Why am I naked? I.. I don’t feel so good.



Origin Story

My sweet Mary Anne…

Everyday as the dawn broke above the waves she would swim out to the sandbar to spend her day with me. We would explore the mysteries of the ocean together. Diving down into underwater caves filled with haunting lights and sea anemone of every color imaginable.

” Oh how I love you…” she would say as she laid her head upon my back and stroked my dorsal fin.

I felt I had found true love. This beautiful woman, and the love in her eyes, was the highlight of my existence. It seemed she alone was what kept my heart beating. For months this went on, and all my happy days seem confined to that short time.

Sean was the lifeguard for Mary Anne’s beach. Most days you could find him upon his tower in all his bronze glory watching over the populace. He frowned upon mine and Mary Anne’s relationship, saying, “It’s not natural.”

One day as I broke the surface I heard Mary Anne’s laughter echo out, and when my eyes finally found her, she was riding a surfboard with Sean.   In a flash of anger I shot out of the water and speared Sean off the surfboard. Mary Anne screamed at me in horror and dragged Sean’s unconscious body to the shore. Then she placed her mouth upon his, and her hands upon his chest, and she brought him back from the brink…

I knew that I had to bind Mary Anne to me, or forever lose her love to Sean. So I searched the ocean for days until I found, in an old shipwreck, a beautiful diamond ring. I found Mary Anne on the dock, gently kicking her feet about in the water. When she saw me she jumped down and wrapped her arms around me and silently cried. I signaled for her to wait there and I quickly retrieved the ring and buoy that had, “Will you marry me?” written on it.

My heart was filled with anticipation as I burst out of the water behind Mary Anne, but… she was not alone any more. She was in Sean’s arms and they were kissing.

I blacked out at that point and don’t remember much of anything for a short while after. I do know that ever since, Sean walks kinda funny and won’t come into the water anymore. I haven’t seen Mary Anne since that day, but most mornings you can find me at the sandbar… waiting.


10 Ways to Prevent Dolphin Rape

10.) Pretend to be a Manatee

Nothing is more despised by Dolphins than Manatees, except maybe Paula Dean. But if you can accurately portray an aquatic bean bag chair then we will probably steer clear.

9.) Wear a Wetsuit

Sure, that piece of string is what’s in style right now, but it is the farthest thing from a Dolphin Deterrent. If anything, it’s an attractant. Well… maybe not for you, Sir.

8.) Be a Shark

We will not hesitate to spear a shark into eternal unconsciousness, but we usually refrain from sexual activity with sharks. The having to constantly swim to breathe is a bit tiresome, for both parties.

7.) Know Aquatic Jujitsu 

If you can do a spinning back kick in 6 foot of water, that is really impressive, and you have earned my respect.

6.) Stay Out of the Water 

Stay on the beach, and you probably only have to worry about being mentally undressed by every guy with sunglasses. If you’re on a boat, you’re probably okay. If you’re on a Jetski, everyone secretly hates you, and I can jump at least 7 foot out of the water.

5.) Rub Butter, All Over Your Body

Paula Dean smells like butter, we hate Paula Dean.

4.) Swim Faster than your Friends

It helps if you kick or punch them a little to gain the advantage.

3.) Have A Speargun

Use this to shoot your friend in the leg, to better out swim them. We will just dodge the spear. We have catfish-like reflexes.

2.) Wear a Mermaid Costume

Has anyone ever found where the Mermaid keeps her lady parts?! I swear I have left no scale un-turned!

1.) Be Michael Phelps

I swear to Poseidon I am not that kids Dad. That sucker can swim.


So… You woke up in a rape cave.

The night started off great.

You and your friends found an amazing karaoke bar right by the ocean.

A night of great seafood, perfect weather, and several drinks from some cute guys and… a dolphin? With a mustache?

Then things get a little hazy. You remember a fin reaching around you, and the dolphin leading you down the dock, a splash, and then… darkness.


You groggily wake up to sound of waves gently slapping against rocks and echoing about in some kind of underwater cave. Your clothes are a little disheveled and you’re nursing one of the worst hangovers of your life. Rubbing your face, you turn over and see a dolphin lying next to you on the rocks.

“Oh, hey babe. You’re awake,” says the dolphin.

“Uhh… You can talk?” you reply.

“Talking is the least of my abilities… as you should know.” the dolphin replied with a wink and a nudge from his fin.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

The dolphin chuffs a bit from his blowhole, “Wow, you really did have a lot to drink last night. Listen, let’s just leave this as-is and go back to our regular lives. As much as you loved me last night, I’m not too sure I’m the type of guy you would bring home to meet the folks.”

“Well.. that would require some type of aquarium, and some apparatu- Wait.      Did we?        Me and you?          You know?”

“Like two sea horses in a bucking contest.”

“Oh… OH GOD.”