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10 Ways to Prevent Dolphin Rape

10.) Pretend to be a Manatee

Nothing is more despised by Dolphins than Manatees, except maybe Paula Dean. But if you can accurately portray an aquatic bean bag chair then we will probably steer clear.

9.) Wear a Wetsuit

Sure, that piece of string is what’s in style right now, but it is the farthest thing from a Dolphin Deterrent. If anything, it’s an attractant. Well… maybe not for you, Sir.

8.) Be a Shark

We will not hesitate to spear a shark into eternal unconsciousness, but we usually refrain from sexual activity with sharks. The having to constantly swim to breathe is a bit tiresome, for both parties.

7.) Know Aquatic Jujitsu 

If you can do a spinning back kick in 6 foot of water, that is really impressive, and you have earned my respect.

6.) Stay Out of the Water 

Stay on the beach, and you probably only have to worry about being mentally undressed by every guy with sunglasses. If you’re on a boat, you’re probably okay. If you’re on a Jetski, everyone secretly hates you, and I can jump at least 7 foot out of the water.

5.) Rub Butter, All Over Your Body

Paula Dean smells like butter, we hate Paula Dean.

4.) Swim Faster than your Friends

It helps if you kick or punch them a little to gain the advantage.

3.) Have A Speargun

Use this to shoot your friend in the leg, to better out swim them. We will just dodge the spear. We have catfish-like reflexes.

2.) Wear a Mermaid Costume

Has anyone ever found where the Mermaid keeps her lady parts?! I swear I have left no scale un-turned!

1.) Be Michael Phelps

I swear to Poseidon I am not that kids Dad. That sucker can swim.

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